Deconstructing from the very conservative fringes of Adventism

Hello! Just listened to the first episode of the podcast and I’m excited to continue this journey. I’ve been deconstructing for the past year from the very conservative fringes of Adventism. I went to Adventist education all the way through college, I was vegan for a few years, left glow tracts/signs of the times in store bathrooms, and almost threw away all my pants once (to only wear skirts). I was very fundamentalistic and quite proud, because I was pretty good at keeping the rules. Until college, that is.

I fell into a moderate depression when I realized I couldn’t meet the impossible standards that were being preached at my school. I believed that I could literally become perfect and sinless (because when probation closed, we wouldn’t have an intercessor between that time and Jesus’ return to earth. I never thought that would be more than a day or so, just however long it takes Jesus to travel to Earth from heaven. But in this period of time I would have to be perfect. So to prepare for the close of probation I better be pretty damn close to perfect now.)

So any little thing I did that was “sinful” (like eating junk food, staying up late, reading fiction…) tore me apart with guilt and self-loathing. I finally decided I was damned to hell, and that thought actually gave me comfort. When I died, I would simply cease to exist. But I wouldn't have to keep trying so hard to do the impossible in the meantime. I gave up, deciding it was better to be lost, but still had guilt. Of course on the outside I was still playing the perfect Adventist girl that was a spiritual role model for so many classmates…

I think forcing myself to live such a fake life really contributed to the depression. I had a friend at this college who was Christian but not Adventist who shared this with me: “I find it really hard being at a place where everyone seems so perfect when I know I’m not” and that really resonated with me.

There were many others things at this school that bothered me, such as the pastor/Bible teacher calling out students who skipped prayer meeting or “sinned” in some other way from the pulpit, dissing on all other Adventist colleges because we’re so much better, and making fun of/laughing about people being lost (Darwin, etc.).

I finally came to the conclusion that either the Bible wasn’t infallible or God wasn’t good. This isn’t to say there wasn’t anything positive about my college experience, but unfortunately these experiences were tainted by my internal conflict. Anyways, after graduating I was able to distance myself a bit from the stifling spiritual environment. I still went to church every Sabbath but wasn’t required to attend four other worship services each week and could interact with people who weren’t Adventist at work.

This is when I started really questioning my faith. It was and still is terribly painful, like you are mourning the loss of a loved one (Jesus was supposed to be my best friend, and it’s like he abandoned me or died). I’m still not sure what my identity is outside of the church, but the more I learn and engage with ex-Adventist communities, the easier it gets.

Some of the other thoughts/ideas that really challenged my beliefs are 1) why does God answer my prayers or the prayers of some star athlete about trivial things but he doesn’t answer the thousands of prayers of starving, oppressed, or otherwise struggling people? 2) how can I be sure my religion is the “true” one when nearly every other religion makes this claim too? 3) why would God condemn something so harshly that he created or allowed to happen (LGBTQ+ people)?

I was told to think of homosexuality like alcoholism—some are born with a tendency towards it, but you can choose to avoid it. But asking someone to give up alcohol to get to heaven is so different than asking someone to never know the experience of a romantic relationship.

Some time after I graduated a lawsuit was filed against my college for sexual harassment of an employee (who had also been a student at the same time as me). This really shook me up and opened my eyes to see this place wasn’t nearly as holy as it declared itself to be. They’re still trying to sweep it under the rug like so many other injustices, which may work for some people, but not me. I was finally able to take off the rose colored glasses at that point.

This is only a fraction of what I could share about my faith deconstruction journey and experiences in the church, but it’s already quite lengthy. I’ve had a pretty crazy experience in the church and would love to share more about the extreme fundamentalistic cultures within Adventism that I experienced.

Note: You can hear this story and two more on S1 Bonus Episode 1 of the Haystacks & Hell Podcast.