I still attend church with my family

My name is Mason (pretend name) and I still attend church with my family, even though I am secretly an atheist. My fear is having to tell my family and quite possibly also losing all my friends in my church. I don't have friends elsewhere.

But on the same token, I really feel sick inside holding onto this lie that I am a God-fearing Seventh-day Adventist. My parents make it really important that I finish work early on Friday (work finishes after dark) but I am afraid to protest against this.

And the Christian faith promises so much. Of course I would like to have a relationship with God or be Christlike. Though it really does not feel real or have any basis at all with my own experience, as limited as it might be.

I love science and especially provocative topics such as evolution and cosmology. Everything can be explained without a god, same for morality. I guess I am also avoiding a lot of pent up anger against against religion, too.

Christians call God their father and other really nice things but to me, it really does not measure up to my own experience. I recently finished reading "Outgrowing God" by Richard Dawkins. It blew my mind away. If you are able to read it, it is really worth it. I also plan to read "Coming out Atheist" by Greta Christina.

Like I mentioned, I am afraid of my family's response and losing my friends (and church lunch, as trivial as it sounds). Though I do wish to be open with my beliefs and especially about my feelings.

Last week, I opened up a little bit to someone by email which was cool. There's a lot pent up, and the whole church routine week after week is really sending me on a downwards mental health spiral. Other areas of my life do not have this effect on me.