It Is My Life and I Refuse to Continue Lying and Hiding
Hello, I'm from Puerto Rico! I enjoyed the first episode and figured I'd share my story in case it's of help for others. I grew up in church and since young my parents would take me to various churches to preach and/or play piano. My parents were very involved as Adventists and by proxy I was too.
As I grew up I began dealing with body dysphoria, I felt like I wasn't taking my faith seriously and that if I devoted more time in church these feelings would go away. I would pray every night for god to remove these feelings and would spend more time reading the bible and studying the lesson book they would give us but how I felt never went away. And with time, I began to feel worse about my body and how it was changing in a way I hated.
I dealt with depression and felt broken and ashamed of who I was. There wasn't anyone I could talk to about how I felt because I was scared of getting kicked out and being judged by family, the congregation and everyone that I knew. I remember (when I was around 16) during one sermon my pastor began talking about LGBTQ people and how we were an abomination, perverts and evil wicked people that chose to be this way.
He kept preaching and I just remember thinking afterwards "I never chose to be this way." That sparked me to question how true what the pastor was saying was and overall what this religion pushed as "true". After that I decided to learn more about my beliefs and whether or not I had a good reason to believe. The more I looked into the church and the bible the less I believed in it.
It took me till I turned 20 to deconstruct my faith and accept myself as a trans-woman. It was a difficult process, the only person from my close family that knows is my mom and surprisingly what hurt her more was finding out I didn't believe anymore rather than me being trans. She still does not accept nor support me for who I am, and most likely most in my family won't since they share the same religious beliefs.
At the end of the day regardless of how my parents feel, it is my life and I refuse to continue lying and hiding. I want to keep on learning, live an authentic life free from shame towards myself and continue to meet new people and forming friendships with people that accept me for who I am.
Finding communities and podcasts similar to this one has helped me to feel supported and not alone in my experience. Can't wait to hear more stories about the food and overall experiences you've all had when going to church (I still have nightmares about having to wash feet during the last supper ceremony).
Note: You can hear this story and two more on S1 Bonus Episode 1 of the Haystacks & Hell Podcast.
